Licence to Drivel

Another post, another Farcebook-related rant. Ho hum, you may think.

But this time, the target of my ire is a Farcebook cause entitled "lets get the uk tv licence abolished", and it has annoyed me more than I thought possible. The reason for this is simple - every single person who has posted support to the thread is a complete imbecile. It would take 12 of them to make a halfwit.

Let's take some of the choicest recent comments, shall we?

Ian Morrell writes: "So people like jonathan ross can earn millions to talk utter garbage the BBC are a disgrace"

Jonathan Ross is no longer employed by the BBC. And you're clearly a Daily Wail reader, so you can piss right off anyway.

Alex Glover says: "the price we pay is only for bbc 1 an bbc2, all the ova channels dont cost."

Erm, no. The price you pay is for BBC1, BBC2, BBC3, BBC4, BBC Parliament, BBC News, CBBC, CBeebies, all of the BBC national and local radio stations and all of the content on the BBC website. It also covers the cost of producing content for BBC HD.

Karen Walker (and others) dribbles: "as i am paying to watch tv to sky.. its like i am paying twice!!"

Don't be a tool. Not a penny of the money you pay to Sky (or Virgin, or BT) goes to the BBC. You can receive all of the BBC's channels/radio stations without subscribing to a TV service.

Sarah Page stops scraping her knuckles along the floor for long enough to bash out: "y the fuck do u need to pay to watch 5 channels"

You. Are. An. Idiot. The TV Licence does not pay for the terrestrial TV channels. ITV, Channel 4 and Five are independent (the clue is in the 'I' in 'ITV') and raise their money from advertisements.

Ray Batchelor uses a crayon to scrawl: "i had a count for ch 1,2,3,4,5, and just for one day on 5 chs there were 65 repeats"

Well, you've just wasted your day then, because that fact has absolutely nothing to do with the cost of a TV Licence for the reasons I've just given.

Katiiee Danielle Claire Breen has more vowels in her name than she has IQ, and proves it by hammering at her computer keyboard with her fists until this comes out: "no offence but blind people cant see the tv yet they dont have to pay 4 one and ok i know they can hear it but it still aint the same so wat is good for one is good for us all!!"

I'm sorry, I don't speak chav. Can I just ask, what the fuck are you trying to say?!

Finally, Andy Cornish uses real words and real grammar to write: "its a bbc licence and bbc aint that good anyway, try advertising to your revenue, it works for itv."

That would be the ITV that has been on the verge of bankruptcy for the last two-and-a-half years, and that only makes one good TV programme every 12 months, would it? Yes, I can see how the BBC would want to aspire to that...

...'cause if the BBC went bust, I'd have to resort to reading the rubbish posted on the Interweb by deluded halfwits for my entertainment.

H2OFFS

Vibration hydration.

You've never heard of it, because the marketing department of H2Om water has just made it up. Welcome to the painful world of pseudo-science, or "bollocks" if you prefer.

You see, H2Om is not normal spring water. (Actually, that's exactly what it is. But let's not let facts get in the way at this early stage.) It has "vibration energy" in it. Yes, in it. Have they vibrated the water, I hear you ask. Well, obviously not. Shaking water to get it to vibrate would be far too, erm, logical. No, at H2Om they have better ways.

First of all, they ensure that the bottle labels have the correct vibrational energy. Yes, that's right - the labels. With writing on them and stuff. Special writing, in lots of different languages. And in the correct colour. So it can "vibrate" somehow. And do something. Perhaps.

Then, you have to "think while you drink it". Because most of us completely switch our brains off when drinking water, you know. It's a little known fact that if you drink normal water for more than a minute non-stop, you will pass out because you forget to breathe.

Finally, once they've bottled the water, they play music to it. Sound waves vibrate, you see. Not enough to pass through the plastic bottle and have any effect whatsoever on the contents, of course, but it's the thought that counts. Or rather the lack of thought but the ability to produce marketing blurb based on it. They use "ancient healing scales" to do this. Better that then sticking them near a piano whilst someone practices their grade 3 on it.

Their website says:

we know some people, and politicians, may be skeptical, however we believe that if water is effected by these types of vibrations, then as a bonus, let's provide the water with the purest form of vibration possible

"...And politicians". Because they're not people, and we specifically need to point them out! The swine! And forgive me if I'm wrong, but surely the purest form of vibration is, well, to just vibrate the effing water!

Finally, we come to the names of the waters. Yes, despite every bottle containing exactly the same water as the next bottle, they name each bottle depending on the way they've pretended to vibrate it. So you get such exciting things as Gratitude, Joy, Prosperity, Peace and Love. Yes, "Love water" - who'd not want to drink that?

Sounds suspiciously like a load of wank to me.